Surprised By God

When C S Lewis got on a bus on a ride into Oxford in 1931…. he was an Atheist.  By the time he got off the bus he was a Theist – a believer in some kind of God.  Lewis described it as a "moment of wholly free choice" where he felt he was either "holding something at bay, or shutting something out."  A few weeks later Lewis went on a trip to Whipsnade Zoo with his brother.  By the time they got to the zoo on September 28, 1931, Lewis was a Christian. He later wrote, “That which I greatly feared had at last come upon me. I finally gave in and admitted that God was God, and knelt and prayed: perhaps, that night, the most dejected and reluctant convert in all England.” 

Taken on their own, Lewis’ two experiences can sound like a sudden conversion but what happened on the bus ride and on the trip to the zoo were the last in a long line of movements that brought CS Lewis to faith.  

In our readings today, we have descriptions of the conversions of two of the most influential men in the early history of the Church: Saul, who was to become St Paul, and the disciple, Peter.  Paul’s Damascus Road experience has given its name to a form of conversion; a sudden, dramatic, and life-changing transformation.   You will find that many people think of conversion in these terms.  But relatively speaking very few people are suddenly converted.  For most of us conversion is a slow burn.  There will be stand-out moments, but most of us experience conversion as a life-long process, and all the better for being like that. 

I want to suggest that even St Paul’s “Damascus Road” experience was part of a process.  Look how Chapter 9 starts, “Meanwhile Saul, still breathing threats and murder against the disciples of the Lord, went to the high priest and asked him for letters to the synagogues at Damascus, so that if he found any who belonged to the Way, men or women, he might bring them bound to Jerusalem.” Saul comes into the drama like a figure of doom.  But actually, he has only been mentioned once so far in the Book of Acts, in the very last verse of chapter 7 where we learn Saul held the coats of those who stoned the first Christian martyr, Stephen.  But since then Saul has been busy; making plans, going to the high priest for letters of arrest for the followers of Jesus, desiring to bring them back bound to Jerusalem, where they could probably expect the same ending as Stephen.   What has driven Saul to such extreme behaviour?  Fear, fury; a desire to utterly reject the image of Stephen who prayed for his murderers even as they stoned him; a refusal to acknowledge a deep-down longing to know the God that Stephen so obviously knew, - to experience God like that – even if it is all nonsense? 

C.S Lewis’ two moments of conversion happened on journeys.  So, does Saul’s.  There is a bright light – possibly lightening.  Saul is thrown from his horse.  He hears a voice, “Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?” 5 He asked, “Who are you, Lord?” The reply came, “I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting.” 

Here is the major shift.  When Saul left Jerusalem, he was bent on obliterating a movement – those people who followed in the Way, as early Christians were called.  Now, Saul is confronted with a “person”, in the shape of the voice he hears.  “I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting.”  Saul hears the voice of Jesus, who was crucified; Jesus, who set Stephen’s face alight with a divine presence even as he was being stoned to death; Jesus, in whom all sorts of ordinary people are finding meaning, life, hope and love. 

When the first two disciples follow Jesus at the beginning of St John’s gospel, Jesus asks them, “What are you looking for?”  When Jesus comes to Mary Magdalene at the tomb on the day of resurrection, Jesus asks her, “Who are you looking for?”  Conversion happens when we realise what we really want, what we really need, is relationship, a deep and personal relationship with our Creator, whom we know in and through Jesus Christ. 

Peter, is our example of slow conversion.  Two major things go hand in hand across a life-time of conversion – a slow conversion of life at every level and a growth in self-knowledge.  The one cannot happen without the other. 

“Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?”  “Do you love me?”  “Do you love me?” 

Jesus is talking to Simon Peter on a beach on the Sea of Galilee after the Resurrection.  Peter and some of the other disciples have just had a barbecue breakfast cooked for them by Jesus.  Jesus draws Peter apart for a one-on-one conversation.   

A few days before on the night of the last supper, just prior to his arrest, Jesus had warned the disciples that they would all fall away when he was arrested.  But Peter had replied, 

“Even if all fall away on account of you, I never will.” 

And Jesus had answered 

“Truly I tell you, this very night, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times.” 

35 But Peter responded, “Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you.”  

But, as we know, before the cock crowed Peter had fallen away.  He had denied three times that he knew Jesus.  What value did any of Peter’s words have? 

“Peter, do you love me?”  How Peter must have squirmed as Jesus, his Risen Lord asked him this question three times, echoing the three occasions of Peter’s denial.  Was Jesus punishing him, testing him?  What was Jesus doing? 

The first question is a little different from the second and third. 

“Peter, do you love me more than all of these?”  What are the “all of these” to which Jesus is referring?  Peter had boasted that his love was greater than any of the other disciples – that even if they deserted Jesus, he would not.  Is Jesus asking Peter if he really loves Jesus better than the six other disciples who are around?  Or are “all these” the things that Jesus and Peter can see as they look around the scene – Peter’s friends and family, his known, secure life as a fisherman, his home.  Does Peter love Jesus more than his old life with all its accoutrements?  Peter does not reply. 

“Lord, you know that I love you.” 

Perhaps Peter is taking on board what loving Jesus might entail.  Giving up his old life.  Giving up his family.  Peter knows he loves Jesus – but that he loves him that much? 

When Peter doesn’t reply specifically, Jesus simply says, “Feed my lambs”.  Feed those as they come to faith, nurture them, nourish them with food suitable to believers young in the faith. 

The second and third time Jesus asks the question, Jesus simply says, “Do you love me?”  The second time, Peter responds by repeating, “Lord, you know that I love you.”  Jesus replies, “Tend my sheep.”  We have moved on from young Christians to maturer ones, who facing all the issues that life will throw at them, need pastoral care. 

The third time Jesus asks his question, “Peter, do you love me?”  John, the gospel writer tells us that Peter is hurt – hurt that Jesus keeps asking him if he loves him – hurt to be reminded of how he betrayed his friend and his very self on the night of Jesus’ arrest by denying that he even knew him.  And it is at this point that Peter blurts out, “Lord, you know everything.  You know that I love you.” 

Perhaps what underlies all this is that what Peter has been through has made him see, for the first time in his life, how weak, how vulnerable he is.  He wanted to be the great, strong, brave leader of the disciples and he failed, miserably.  He wanted to be the one who stood by his friend Jesus, in his hour of darkest need, and he pretended not to know him.  Jesus has asked him now, “Do you love me more than all of these?”  And he cannot answer because he does not know.  He simply knows that he wants to love the risen Jesus, who is his Lord, but he also knows that his love will always be inadequate.  He also knows that Jesus, who knows everything, knows this.  Jesus knows Peter through and through.  Jesus had called Peter “the Rock”, when he first met him.  Despite Peter’s failure, Jesus knows that Peter has the character to lead.  That is why, having told Peter that he will fall away and betray him three times at the Last Supper, he then says to Peter, “And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.”  Peter has the power to give strength, courage and encouragement to others.  That is why in the conversation they are having, Jesus is actually instructing Peter to care for the community, which will come into being. 

“Feed my sheep.”  says Jesus.  Keep teaching and nourishing the mature Christians, too. 

What Peter did not know, is that he now has what it takes to be a good leader.  Because he knows what it is to fail, as do most humans.  Because he knows what it is to feel vulnerable, as do all of us.  Because now he has accepted who he is, clay feet and all.  Because now he is ready to depend on God, where before he just wanted to prove himself, a sort of superman.  Jesus could only leave his new and fragile community in the hands of someone who would hold its members tenderly and with respect.  That person was now ready and his name was Peter.  But this is not the end of St Peter’s story of conversion.  We read more about that journey in the Book of Acts. 

And wherever you are on your journey of conversion, I ask you to consider what God in and through Jesus, is inviting you to next.